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Tuesday, November 29, 2005
First of all, I can't believe all these changes I am going through. It's all good though, positive changes, just things I did not expect in my path.
I have been in contact with alot of people who have had significant impact in my life and in my persona, as well as new friends who are uplifting me in ways only close folx in my life have. It's nice to actually be able to find more people on my mynal level.
I have gotten closer to Mavis, my colleaegue from work. I guess now that my two girls, Sarika & Soph are gone I am getting to know other people I feel a connection with. She seems really cool, open minded and interesting. We share alot of interests, like music. Angela & Zebbie are madd cool too. Half the womyn I surround myself with at work are in the mid-late 30's or early 40's, which I am really feeling. I am youngest on the team now, but I don't mind..lol. They all love me! ...heehee*
My best friend from Sydney, Diana, called me the other day. It was sooo good to hear from her!!! Dayum, I miss my loca!!! The fact that she's pregnant and almost dues kills me too, wish I could be there. I missed out on Lil's chiuld birth & seeing her baby daughter & now Di. She was quite down, telling me she missed me alot & felt like a bad friend to me b/c she hasn't kept in touch much with me. But I understand and never think negative of her, b/c I know it's all circumstanial. I know if she had a pc & a landline to call from, she would be calling me alot. But circumstances sometimes restrict us, so it's still all good. I love my loca ....we ryde or die baby!
She isn't too happy lately though. It tore me up to hear her crying when I couldn't be there to hold her & wipe her tears away & tell her it's all going to be ok. She is about 33 weeks pregnant & she feels that her husband is not supportive of her & pregnanct at all. I can't believe the backward thinking ass doesn't want to be in the delivery room with her when she is in labour!! I can't get over it! And his sorry azz excuse, "I can't. Iit's against my culture"! WTF!!! So, was having sex before marriage mufukka! I can't stand weak bytches like that. I hope he gets his act otgether & realises that this baby is also going to be his responsibilty..point blank! One thing about Di I can't believe & wish she had done before she considered even marrying this dude is, why da hell didn't she talk about all these lil things that matter, like having him in the labor room when she's giving birth, why weren't all these things discussed???? Some hetero people are soo darfed!
Spoke to Steph last night, which was nice. We caught up on family, work and personal life. Steph is constantly going through things out of her control, shyt that isn't her own shyt. Things & people that hold her back from her own happiness, success and myntal stability. She is drained & I totally feel her!
I feel & pray she accomplishes everything she sets her mind & heart to in the new year, no doubt she will!
Got a chance to catch up with Mike this weekend too! It was soo good to be able to talk without any interuptions...you know have that one on one time. I missed my nukka!!! So yea...we talked, laughed, clowned & shared. He should be coming through in the new year to visit & then go off to see his boi in Japan...can't wait to see him!
I tried calling Sha to see how she's been doing seeing as I haven't talked to her in a minute, but when she answered her phone she totally cut me with her coldness & shortness attitude...all, just because she had company. She has never reacted like that when she's had company before. I guess she had a dude over or something & my call must've caught her off guard. Oh wellllll, I won't be calling Shaynea for a long while. Honestly I can't be fucked with those who can't be fucked with me!!! Time to step up & become less tolerant. She hurt my feelings, not b/c I am sensitive but because she didn't have any respect or sensitivity to at least see if I was ok, ask how I was & then say, look..I have company but I'll call you back. I woulod've been fine with that. But her response to my call, my voice on the other end, was so cold & almost like I was some stranger. For only a quick few minutes I was hurt & pissed off, but WHATEVA! Best thing is to block it out with pre-occupying my time with other things or people.
I have been thinking alot about Ty. I wonder how she is & I am so tempted to call her but I don't know....I don't think it's time yet. I am not ready, esp. since I don't know what her response to me calling will be. I'd rather just wait b4 Xmas & see how she is. I do miss her alot & think of her on a regular...I wonder if she does the same. Life is too short.... I will call soon.
Nikki and I haven't talked much lately. Our schedules always seem to collide. It's all good though, there's always time to catch up. I think she's absolutely sweet and I really enjoy conversation with her. I have gotten to know her a lil more, which I am enjoying.I like what I see so far, so she is definietly a friend I want to hold on to. I know she's got my back. She appreciates and cherishes my friendship to her & values everything about me, how I think, what I feel. I respect that.
I miss Ronelle. It's been really sweet communicating again. We lost touch for a minute due to our hectic work lifestyles, more her than me. I am kinda glad she is not working as much, because she didn't take care of herself enough. Maybe I am wrong, but at least she has more time for herself now & to get things sorted out in her life. Things she's been wanting for awhile now.
She's my Solecita & I'm her turtle ....yayyyyy! *smiles*
My gurl from NC I lost touch with a few yrs ago & I are chatting alot these days too. I am glad we start talking again. She's soo silly like me, but we have fun talking & clowin' each other. It's no wonder how we never made arrangements to meet all these times I have been in NC & VA. Oh welll, next time. She lives in High Point, the same city as Fantasia *Nikki's ultimate womyn*...lol.
Mavis & I are going to Floetry's show December 15th! We got our tickets this weekend when we went to Camden. It's going to be at Jazz Cafe, so I am looking forward to it again. Marcus is going to be sending me their new album so I can't wait to play it to def!
I am still undecisive about afew things that are Big things..lol! Ughhh, I really hate when I get like this & can't make a simple decision!!! It's just that with me, I need to think of all the pros & cons & then decide what will work best for me. I have alot of thinking & deciding to do in the next few weeks. I wish I could still go home for Xmas, but it's too much *pout*. I know my parents don't care & still want to send for me, but I couldn't let them spend that much on a 2 week holiday...ughhh* Wish I was a RICH BYTCH!
UPDATE:
LOOK AT MY LIL' MAN >>> THESE ARE THE MOST RECENT PICS OF MY BABY NEPHEW *CHRISTIAN* & MY SIS & DIANA IN THE LAST ONE WITH HER PREGGY SELF.
MY SISROSHEEN A.K.A CHYNAH & CHRISTIAN
CHRISTIAN GETTING HIS FACE MASHED..LOL
CHRISTIAN WAVING WUSUP!
DIANA HOLDING UP CHRISTIAN AT HER BABY SHOWER
Posted at 07:05 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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Thursday, November 10, 2005
EMPOWERED THRU THEIR NRG.....
IT'S FUNNY HOW PEOPLE WHO CROSS YOUR PATH IN LYFE EITHER LEAVE A POSITIVE IMPRINT OR A NEGATIVE ONE. IT'S UP TO US HOW WE CHANNEL THAT NRG SO THAT OUR ACTIONS & WORDS COME FROM RATIONALE VERSUS ANGER & PAIN. ONE MIGHT THINK IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL ONE'S EMOTIONS & INSTANT REACTION...BUT LIKE I ALWAYS SAY "MIND OVER MATTER".
I AM ON MY WAY TO MASTERING REFLECTIVE REACTION VERSUS IMPULSIVE REACTION. I THEREFORE REFLECT ON WHATEVA THE SITUATION MAY BE, REGROUP, PRAY THAT GOD HELPS ME REACT IN THE RIGHT WAY, AS WELL AS HELP ME DEAL WITH THE ANGER & PAIN I MAY BE FEELING.
TO HELP ME HEAL WITH NEGATIVE EMOTIONS TO HELP ME HEAL FROM PAIN TO HUMBLENESS & PEACE OF MIND & PEACE OF SOUL. WITH PRAYER... ANYTHING IS ATTAINABLE.
SEE...I BELIEVE IN GOD'S LOVE, GOD'S POWER & GOD'S WORD. THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS COME OUT OF EVERY HARD KNOCK I EXPERIENCE. GOD ALWAYZ HAS MY BACK! AMEN!
THE WORD "HATE" IS ONE I DO NOT WISH TO USE OR FEEL. I WANT EVERY NEGATIVE NRG REMOVED FROM MY BEING & MY WORLD. IT'S A TREMENDOUS CHALLENGE FOR ME TO NOT HATE CERTAIN PPL WHO HAVE DONE ME WRONG AT THIS POINT IN TIME OF MY LYFE.
LIKE TODAY...I FOUND OUT THAT A CERTAIN SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE ME & WANT ME IN THEIR LYFE FOR GOOD, HAS DECEIVED ME THE ENTIRE TIME & MUCH MUCH MORE THAT I CAN NOT PLACE IN THIS BLOGG. AS I WALKED HOME AFTER I FOUND OUT, I STARTED TO FEEL THIS INCREDIBLE OVERWHELMING FEELING OF HURT, PAIN, ANGER & HATE. I STOPPED MYSELF IN MY TRAX & PRAYED TO GOD. I PRAYED THAT MY MESSIAH TAKE AWAY HATE, ANGER & PAIN FROM MY HEART & FILL IT UP WITH VISION, CLARITY, LOVE, TRUTH,WISDOM, STRENGTH & FORGIVENESS. THIS IS HARD. BOIII...IS THIS HARD! BUT HERE I AM CHANELLING MY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS THRU WORD. EXPRESSING MYSELF HERE HELPS ME LET IT GO. SLOWLY, BUT SURELY.
FATHER...PLEASE HELP HEAL FROM THIS INSINERATED PAIN.... FOR THEY NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DO.
I AM STILL BLESSED.
I WILL MAKE IT.
I WILL MAKE IT B/C MY PURPOSE IS TO HELP MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE ACCEPT THEIR TRUTHS, HELP PPL BECOME BETTER INDIVIDUALS THRU ALL THE THINGS I STAND FOR.
I AM A WOMYN OF PRINCIPLES...I WOMYN OF FAITH & A WOMYN OF MY WORD.
WHAT ELSE CAN YOU ASK FOR.
MY AUDIENCE IS GETTING SMALLER BOII!
BUT I ONLY WANT THE MOST REAL AUDIENCE IN MY THEATRE. LIFE IS A THEATRE & MY FRONT ROW WILL BE A LIMITED FEW...A SELECTED FEW. THE FEW THAT I LOVE & TRUST MY LIFE WITH.
THIS IS SOO HARD!
I KEEP THINKING ABOUT IT & MY ANGER & PAIN COME BACK....MIND OVER MATTER ROZ.
I JUST WISH I COULD KICK THIS PERSON IN THE FACE!!!! BUT I KNOW THAT MY REMOVAL FROM "THEIR" LYFE WILL BE MUCH MORE AN IMPACT THAN A KICK IN THE FACE HUH...YUP!
I MAY BE A LIL' WOMYN IN SIZE...BUT I AM A VERY STRONG WOMYN WITH A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF LOVE CAPACITY. I AM ONE OF FEW WHO LEAVE ETERNAL FOOTPRINTS IN THE SOULS OF MANY I COME IN CONTACT WITH.
I AM LOVED BY MANY..MANY THAT COUNT. EVEN THE ONES WHO DON'T COUNT, STILL LOVE ME.
WE TEND TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SMALL SHYT... TAKING WHAT WE HAVE IN OUR LIVES ALREADY FOR GRANTED. SELFISH BYTCHES WE CAN BE...SMH!
WHILE SO MANY PPL IN AFRICA & OTHER DEVELOPING COUNTRIES, SO MANY CHILDREN, ARE DYING FROM HUNGER, FROM DISEASE, FROM ABUSE, BECAUSE THEY ARE FORGOTTEN BY US. IT IS ALL OF OUR RESPONSIBILTY TO ADDRESS GLOBAL ISSUES & CONTRIBUTE TO THE RISE OF NATIONS...THE RISE OF HUMANITY. WHY DO WE KEEP POLLUTING OUR PRECIOUS ENVIRONMENTS; WITH POISON & WITH CORRUPTION & PERVERSION?!
WHY DO WE HAVE SUCH ASSHOLES IN POWER ??? SUCH TWISTED BREEDS!
OK...LET ME GO FOR NOW. IM HUNGRY & AM ON MY WAY...AGAIN *smile*
PEACE.
Posted at 05:02 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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Tuesday, November 08, 2005
.:.:. HAVE YOU EVER...? .:.:.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE SOMETHING REAL UGLY, SHADY, SLY, MEAN OR LOW AGAINST SOMEONE YOU WERE/ARE SUPPOSE TO CARE FOR OR LOVE OR VICE VERSA...???
I HAVE TRIED & TRIED TO THINK OF SOME SHYT I MIGHT'VE DONE BACK IN THE DAY TO A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMEBER SO THAT I CAN TRY & UNDERSTAND WHY A SO-CALLED "CLOSE FRIEND" HAS DONE SOME ILL SHYT TO ME. I CAN'T EVEN PIN POINT IT ON KARMA!!! SEE...COZ IF I HAD, THEN I WOULD THEN SAY, "OHH WELL, IT'S KARMA MEETING ME TO MY OWN IMMORAL CHANT" ...
FRIENDS COME & GO, MY MUM ALWAYS TOLD ME AND YA KNOW, SHE WAS SOO RIGHT!
I ONLY HAVE A HAND FULL OF CLOSE FRIENDS I CAN TRUELLY SAY ARE REAL! I AM CONTENT WITH THAT.
WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT SHE CHEATED ME...BASICALLY STOLE FROM ME, I WAS SOO UPSET, HURT, DISAPPOINTED, ANGRY & INDENIAL. I TRIED TO THINK OF EVERY EXCUSE TO GET HER OFF. BUT REALITY IS, SHE STOLE FROM ME & ANOTHER FRIEND WHO I WILL NOT MENTION. I WAS SHOCKED, BUT DUDE AT RECEPTION BROKE IT DOWN TO ME THE DAY I CALLED TO FIND OUT WHAT THE COST WAS. HE BROKE IT DOWN & MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT I WAS LIED TO.
I MEAN...DID SHE NEED THE $$ THAT BAD???? THAT BAD, THAT SHE HAD TO STEAL/OVERCHARGE US ON THE SLY..??? SO FUCKIN' SHADY & WRONG! NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD DO ME LIKE THAT!!
BUT MAYBE SHE DID NEED IT THAT BAD...MAYBE I CAN'T BE MAD, B/C HAD SHE ASKED ME FOR IT, I WOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO HER. I JUST HATE THAT PPL SO CLOSE TO YOU CAN BE SOO FAKE & OPPORTUNISTIC. I GUESS NOT EVERYBODY HAS THE SAME PRINCIPLES AS YOU ROZ...NOT EVERYBODY VALUES FRIENDSHIP & REALISM AS YOU ROZ....NOT EVERYBODY PLAYS FAIRLY LIKE YOU ROZ....NOT EVERYBODY IS LIKE YOU PERIOD ROZ!
DON'T I ALREADY KNOW THIS SHYT! WHY CAN'T PPL THINK & LIVE ACCORDINGLY LIKE ME. I MEAN, I KNOW I HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS WHEN IT COMES TO MY LOVERS/PARTNERS, BUT I HARDLY EXPECT MUCH FROM FRIENDS. NADA, BUT MUTUAL RESPECT, HONESTY, LOYALTY & TO BE REAL. I GUESS THAT CAN BE TOO MUCH FOR SOME.
PEOPLE REALLY FIND IT EZZY TO TAKE SHYT FOR GRANTED TIL IT'S GONE. SHAME REALLY. B/C SOMETIMES IT NEVER COMES BACK A SECOND TIME ROUND'.
ALTHOUGH I AM SOO DISAPPOINTED IN HER & TOTALLY TURNED OFF EVERYTHING....I MISS MY FRIEND, IF SHE'S THAT ANYMORE. WE HAVE NOT TALKED IN A MINUTE. NOT SURE IF WE WILL. IT WOULD HAVE TO BE HER MOVE, B/C I HAVE MY HANDS CLEAN. AND NO, IT IS NOT PRIDE ON ME. IT'S PRIDE THAT'S DISABELLING HER FROM COMING TO ME LIKE A GROWN WOMYN & TELL ME SHE WAS WRONG & APOLOGISE. BUT I DOUBT I'LL EVER HEAR THAT. I GUESS TIME WILL TELL.
UNTIL THEN..... "IM ON MY WAY" LIKE TALIB KWELI SAID IN TRAIN OF THOUGHT....
PEACE!
Posted at 08:45 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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Monday, October 31, 2005
::. Just another Sunday .::
I just got off the phone with Angie and cancelled plans to hook up. I feel bad, coz I know she was really looking forward to today, so was I but I would'nt have been good company as I am so sleepy still from last night.
Sarika & I met up in Baker St Tube station yesterday. We went str8 to Angel where I had lunch & visited Brian at the Carphone Warehouse store to ask him for his recommendation on what phone I should get for my upgrade. It's either gon be a NOKIA or SONY ERICSON. We walked through the market there on Chapel St, then took a bus to Camden where we spent hours looking at weird people & urban art, which of course I loved. The urban art goes with me & the weirdos go with Sarika...lolol*
We spent the entire day walking here, walking there & walking everywhere. After Camden, Sarika wanted to go back to Angel to have dinner there, so we did & then we walked all along the High Rd in Islington. We sat down infront of the town hall & talked while I smoked the rest of my b.l.u.n.t, then we went to a bar & had a couple of drinks. I drank one & one only. I'm not much of a drinker & Sarika was getting shyty with me about it. Welll shyt, I don't drink like y'all British alkis...lolol* I was exhausted by the time we got home! All I wanted to do was take a shower, light my *torch*, lay back on my bed & chiiill...yesss, that's what I was looking forward to. Sarika & I had fun though...she talked me to def when I was trying to relax & enjoy my spliff...*ughhh* I swear that gurl can fuk up a bytch's high!
That was all last night. Thnis morning I totally forgot about the day light saving hour backward thing-a-ma-jig, so I woke up way too early for church & only found out when I got to church & it was closed! None was there yet..lol* I coulda slept in an hour longer...oh well.
Church was good today. The scripture was about 'money' & 'generosity'. How we should NOT LOVE MONEY! Of course it went into more, but I am too tired to re-collect.
Came home, cooked me a nice brunch - my famous delish omlette & banana on the side with my ice tea...YUMM!
Tasha txt me. She has been txting me alot. She sent me pics of her & Christian. She tells me she';s thinking of me always...she tells me she can't say sorry enough...she tells me she misses me.
Tasha is going thru things...I feel it & she's told me some of it. I can't do nothing for her this time. I ain't her gurl no more to carry around her baggage, na mean. I will listen & maybe give advice if that's what she seeks from me, but anything more, I can't do it.
Nikki & I have been talking alot more lately, which is cool. I guess we always had intentions to talk more, but for some time her phone had been off while she was in hospital & recovering. She is such a great SPIRIT. I really enjoy talking to her. And OMG, her poetry is da shyt! She is soo freakin' talented & gifted...through her poetikism, her words, her energy...she touches many, is able to relate to many & acknowledge many pains. She's amazing! A great friend in-deed! *smile*
Sunshine called me the other day. We didn't get to talk for too long coz I was on the phone with Sha. I intended in calling her back, but I fell asleep while on the phone with Sha. I called aday lata but she must've been busy working. I guess we'll catch up another time soon. It was sweet to hear her voice again though....seems like foreva.
Hmmmm...wonder how Joy is. I miss her! Hope my baby is doing ok. Last time we spoke, sounded like she was on the right path...GROWTH. I am soo so proud of her!
Ohhhh guess what!!! SADE is a CAPRICORN!!! Yessssss! I am happy about that. Sha & I had a date the other night, Thursday night on the phone. We showered, lotioned & smoked together while on the phone, then ate & played games. We had so much fun!!! I couldn't stop laffin' while we played games. She was flexin' n shyt on me b/c she didn't like that I was winning...lol* I love my Sha...she's soo damn cute! Yeaaa...so we decided we were going to find out what sign Sade & Busta Rhymes are. She found out about Sade first. I guess it's me & Busta now.
I called mum this morning. We talked for a min, then called my bruh Rog & spoke to him & Erika, his Mrs, for a few. We talked about my sis Sonia & the kids, the divorce. I told Rog to talk to Sonia about Saeed, he should take him for afew days & just spend quality time talking to him about the whole situation & his behaviour, which scaringly reflects that of his father's. We don't want that! Not at all! I spoke to my baby Sabrina Saturday morning for about an hour. We talked about many things. She told me about school, her friend's bday party, her school disco & then I brought up her parents & the divorce. I asked her how she was feeling about it. She seems to be dealing with the whole thing quite well though. All she wants is for her parents to be happy, more so, her mum.
I just reminded her that all of us (family) are there for the three of them no matter what & that we love them soo much. I told her that I would always be there for her if she needed to talk to me about anything to, even if she just wanted me to listen. She's only little still, but old enough to understand that much anyways. She said she wanted me to come home to celebrate her 10th b'day with her...Awww, I wish I could. I guess we'll see. I miss my lil' Bina Spagetti legs & lil' munchkin.
Today is Sunday & the sky was blue & white clouds filled the skies....now I'm looking outside my window...wut da hell happened??? Where did the blue sky go..??? It's grey now...grrrr, I forgot, this is London. *Ughh*
Posted at 12:24 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005
October 22 - the 2 Significants of today
Yesterday was October 22.
This day has significance to me & always will, for 2 reasons.
1). October 22nd Coalition against Police Brutality rallies every year on this day.
It's a movement of conscious activists, lobbists, speakers, victims, family of victims & students who come together as part of the movement to fight & speak against the brutality within the police force in Los Angeles & PERIOD! As we all know LAPD are NOTORIOUS for beating on young people, especially if they are of a certain racial/cultural backgroumd - it's now called racial profiling, when certain minorities are targeted more than others & then unlawfully beaten & arrested for whateva the police can pin on you. Basically, INJUSTICE!
I was an active member of this party. So, me being the activist that I am and as passionate as I am about the inequities in our world & as ppl that we face, I have decided to persue something deeper & more fulfilling in my career. I plan to do a Master's Degree in International Relations or Political Science next year.
I emailed Lady Angela Davis via the university that she teaches at, asking for her advice & recommendation on post-grad course in her faculty - History of Consciousness. I really hope she replies. I would be so honoured to be taught by her, by such a powerful & influential mark in history. Wow, can you imagine!
2). It's Tasha's Bday.
I went to church this morning from 10am-2pm.
When I woke up, I had realised the date. I remember thinking about her while I was in church. I wondered if she wondered if I was thinking about her on her bday.
I kept thinking how on earth I would get intouch with her, seeing as she don't live in NC anymore & I dont have her new number or whateva.
My whole day was interesting.
Went to church which was like a scripture on Islam. I learnt so much I handn't known about Islam & even the Bible. Very informative & interesting. Also makes me aware that I don't know enough about the Bible as I should. More to learn along the way, I guess.
After that I went home & bounced again to go to net cafe. Along the way some Paki dude stopped me in my track to ask me a bunch of BS ?'s & started spitting all this nonsense about nothing. I guess it was tryna get his hussle on pretending to be some wise fortune teller. After giving me this spill that did nsot even apply to my life, he has the nerve to ask me for money. I would've kindly gave him some, but I had nothing to give him. That was that.
I had made plans to meet up with Sarika for lunch in Ealing, but then Soph called me & I met up with her coz she was just over at Tescos so I went. It was so good to see lil' Soph outside of work, although that's how we will be seeing each other from now on since she don't work with me anymore. So, I met her sister & brother in-law, they were doing all the grocery shopping for this house warming party she was throwing tonight, so Soph and I had a zoot outside before going back in to help her manic Aquarian sister shop. No joke, we were grocery shopping from 5pm til 9:30pm!!! Now are you thinking what I'm thinking..? Pure maddness, outta control!! lol* It was fun though, Soph & I had to step out twice to zoot & we were cool.
Coming home from Wembley with Soph was cool. We always love each other's company. I've adopted her as my lil' sis, good things she's a VIRGO too!
So...I came home, made honey popcorn & decided to call Tasha. Yep! I called her mum's house & luckily her step father answered, so I greeted the man & talked for a few minutes before her mum got on the phone & gave me the number. She was surprisingly very nice. So, I dialled & called. Tasha answered....I heard her voice & I told her happy birthday. I asked her how Christian was & our convo was pleasant. It felt weird that it was ok. I really didn't want to be on the phone with her for much longer than I had to. But as I was trying to let her go, she put Christian on the phone as she always does & I spoke to my lil' Lump Lump. I was soo happy to hear her lil' voice...she was talking back to me. It was truelly overwhelming for me. It was nice to talk to her, she reminds me of Kira. I said " Christian!" She answered, "yes". I said, "I love you Christian" & she replied, "I love you too Roslyn". It was special.
I did ? myself as to what da hell I was doing...but it was something that was brewing, so I guess it was something I had to do. Tasha got into the whole apologetic story of how things weren't suppose to go down the way they did, yada yada...but I really didn't want to know. She tried to explain & told me things I din't know, but what's the point in feeding it all to me, it's too late. What's done is done. My call was merely to find out how Christian was & I guess, for some sort of clarity & closure.
It ended pleasantly. I will admit, it was nice to hear her voice & be able to talk & laugh.
Will we talk again?? ...I don't know, but I doubt there is much of anything else to really say or feel.
CLOSURE.
Posted at 02:19 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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Saturday, October 22, 2005
It's amazing to me just how much of a difference looking at things in life, with a positive outlook can really make!
It is about to be a month since I made my decision to embark on this Spiritual Journey. It feels great! Every day that passes by, I feel more & more uplifted by the love & light my Messiah has blessed me with..I feel stronger, I feel like I can get through everything that comes my way, even though I have always been a soldier. Yeaah, it's like that!
Everyday I am feeling uplifted & finding clarity in the things I do. I want everything I do in life to be meaningful. I want everything I do in life to be approved in the eyes of God...I ant to share my Spirit & my love with as many as I can reach & touch. God has given me youth, health, Spirit, strength, intelligence, passion, empathy & insight to be able to do big things, great things that doesn't even have to do with $.
Right now my thoughts are random so if I dont make sense, plz forgive me. Ohh whateva...just work it out bytch! lol*
Things are slowly but surely making more sense to me now. Through my countless sleepless nights & daydream days, I have thought thought & thought some more, disected & analysed crucial aspects of my life & -re-evaluated them. I am taking from the "signs" my Messiah gives me. These are my truths.
I realise that I need to be more observant and a better listener. I don't listen to the small things that end up making a big difference. I am working on that. There is alot that I working on. All to better me as a womyn, individual & child of God. Slowly but surely.
I went to church this Sunday that passed. I finally went with Anna who had been inviting me to go. I am so glad I went. It was uplifting for my spirit. I am definietly going to go again this Saturday & Sunday. I talked with God the whole walk home from church & thanked the Lord for my blessings.
My lil' brother's 21st was on the 15th, Saturday that just went by. I wish I could've been there. I heard it was really nice. Leo announced & signed his speech & had his translator there to translate. Apparently it was the sweetest speech ever. He had all the womyn teary eyed! He mentioned how much he missed his older sister who is living in London..me! lol* I wish I could've been there.
I miss my family soo much!
I miss my Nemo too.
Be back soon for rest of my update entry......
Ok...Im back. It's the 21st today. It's my cousi Pepe's 21st today back in Sydney.
Ty and I have not talked in the longest. I think it's been a month now. I was just talking to my ShaSha last night about it. We had a deep & meaningful & Ty & I were one of the things I brought up. Things make so much sense when I talk with my Sha....it's our RozSha. Ain't NADA like it!
But anyway, thoughts of her enter my head randomly. I wonder how she is doing, I wonder how her folx are. I pray they are all well. I have a feeling she's a lil' pissed or upset with me...or maybe she doesn't feel anything, just indifferent. I care for her, but I just realise we are too very different people & we communicate very differently. Different communication styles sometimes don't equate. Love alone can not hold me down, can not hold down a relationship. But, it don't mean we still can't try. The things is...when our time out has come to an end, either one of us could feel totally different about "us". There is no time set on when we talk again...I guess we will both know when the time comes.
One thing I am sure about is this: I do not want to invest my time, NRG, heart, $ & my life in a relationship with someone who can't give me back what I give them. I don't want any uncertainty coming from the other person either. Because when I love & give, I love whole heartedly & give my all. I have learnt to not give as much as I use to. All I want is balance.
Anyway...I think alot about my relationships with certain people. The only people close to me that are solid & stable in my life are my QUEEN=Mum, my ShaSha, Sol, Mike, Diana, Cortney & of course God, who I am trying to get closer to. I want to be able to hear messages through signs, through dreams, through word of mouth. I am grateful for the blessings I have. The friendships/relationships with these beautiful & special people in my life. I love you ALL!!
I want to change jobs if they don't raise my pay. I am going to start looking for that second job ASAP! I desperately need to do something...I am indebt &need to save at least $12,000 before I go home to pay my tuition fees for my Masters.
Oh yeaaa...UPDATE UPDATE.
My sister Sonia is getting a divorce with her husband. I found out when she told me last Friday. I was in shock, but kinda glad. I know she hasn't been happy for years. I believe she stayed in the marriage for the kids. Now that she has more independance, she feels more empowered to do so. I think she's just had enough of the BS period! The interesting thing is that when my 12 year old nephew asked his mum if his parents were getting a divorce, he said "good"! The kids have gone through enough by seeing an unhappy & unhealthy marriage between them. I am more concerned for the kids..I don't want my babies to suffer, of course I don't want my sister to suffer anymore in silence. I pray everyday that she will be ok. They need to be separated for 12 months before the divorce can go through. I just pray Farid doesn't go crazy oneday. Sonia has everyone on her side though, supporting her til the end. I wish I was there.
Diana is 7 months prgnant already! Wow! It hurts that I can not be there for the birht of her first child. I will miss out again. I haven't talked ot her in sooo long, I miss her. She use to be my clarity & my support system. We use to be so retarded around each other...goshhh I miss my bytch!!
Sha Sha & I have been talking about spending her 31st 2gether. I would love to go to PHX & spend NYE & her bday with her since her bday is 31st of December. Sol wants to spend NYE with me too, but I don't think she'll be able to take the time off work this time. I know she would be mad if I went to PHX & didn't go to Cali. Hmmmmm..... decisions decisions.
I still need to figure out where da hell I'm going for Xmas...maybe back to Barcelona to spend it with Diana.
I am so upset & mad at the power trip bytches at work who gave Sophie the sack. I can't believe they did her like that! What goes around, comes around...every dog has their day!
I miss my SHASHA & MIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted at 05:03 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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Thursday, October 06, 2005
MOMENTARILY, I AM CONTENT WITH MY DECISION. MY DECISION TO EMBARK ON THIS SPIRITUAL JOURNEY FOR NEW BEGININGS, NEW ENERGIES & TRUTHS.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH TY JUST SEEMED TO BE HURTING THROUGH THIS DISATNCE THAT SEPARATES US BOTH, THROUGH OUR HEADS CLASHING, THROUGH MISUNDERSTANDINGS, THROUGH NOT KNOWING EACH OTHER WELL. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT EACH OTHER, EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE BEEN TALKING FOR THE LAST 7 YEARS. DISTANCE HAS REALLY PROVED TO ME THAT UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH THE PERSON IN A CLOSE/FACE2FACE RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU WERE ABLE TO GROW TOGETHER, SHARE, SEE, FEEL & BE AROUND EACH OTHER....THEN YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE TO LAST UNLESS THE LOVE IS STRONG & BOTH OF YOU WANT TO BE WITH NO-ONE ELSE BUT THAT PERSON THAT IS NOT AT ARMS REACH....NO MATTER HOW HARD IT GETS. LONG DISTANCE LOVE IS TRUELLY A CHALLENGE & I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE, UNLESS UR PASSION FOR LOVE & YOUR PARTNER IS STRONGER THAN EVERY OBSTACLE YOU FACE. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...BUT I AM ALSO A REALIST.
I MAY NOT KNOW HER ENTIRE PAST...BUT I DO KNOW WHO I FELL INLOVE WITH FROM DAY1. I KNOW WHAT I FEEL & I KNOW THAT THERE'S POTENTIAL. HONESTLY SPEAKING, I DON'T KNOW WHO I WILL END UP SHARING LIFE WITH. I DON'T KNOW WHO WILL BE THE LAST & ONLY LOVE OF MY LIFE...BUT I DO KNOW THIS RIGHT HERE >>> WHOEVER IT IS, WILL BE VERY HAPPY TO BE MY OTHER HALF. I KNOW THAT MY CAPACITY TO LOVE IS SO GREAT, THAT MOST DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT B/C THEY ? THE REALISM OF IT, THEY ? THEMSELVES AS TO WHETHER THEY ARE WORTHY, THEY ? WHETHER THIS IS REAL OR JUST A PASSING LOVE. DON'T GET IT TWISTED, IF U FEEL IT, THEN IT'S REAL! POINT BLANK!
I WONDER WHETHER TIME & THE OBSTANCLES "IN TIME" WILL BE ENOUGH FOR US TO MAINTAIN & SUSTAIN THE LOVE WE SHARE ...ARE WE STRONG ENOUGH TO GET PASS THIS....ARE WE INLOVE ENOUGH TO NOT GIVE UP ON BEING WITH ONE ANOTHER, NO MATTER WHAT..?? WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE & THEY LOVE YOU JUST AS MUCH ....WHY NOT PERSUE LOVE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY...WHY NOT FIGHT IN THE NAME OF LOVE...WHY NOT BELIEVE & HAVE FAITH.
RIGHT NOW, TY IS PROBABLY SOMEWHERE IN HER COMPLEX, EITHER AT HOME OR AT ONE OF HER NEIGHBOURS. I WONDER IF RIGHT NOW AT THIS EXACT MOMENT THAT I WRITE MY THOUGHTS & FEELINGS IN MY BLOG, THAT SHE IS LAYING ON HER BED THINKING ABOUT ME.
I MISS HER. ALOT!
BUT...IT FEELS DIFFERENT. IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVE STOPPED TALKING & COMMUNICATING FOREVER OR B/C WE HAD A FALLING OUT, BUT B/C I FELT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO NOT ONLY FOR ME BUT FOR BOTH OF US. WE BOTH NEED TIME OUT TO SORT THINGS OUT IN OUR OWN PERSONAL LIVES, SPIRITUALLY & MENTALLY.
AS FOR ME, I NEED CLARITY IN MY LIFE. I NEED TO KNOW WHERE I AM GOING & WHAT I AM AIMING FOR, IN TERMS OF MY FUTURE. THERE IS SO MUCH I REALLY NEED TO FOCUS ON, THINGS THAT WILL BENEFIT ME......
REGARDLESS OF WHAT COMES FROM MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER & BE THERE FOR HER IF SHE NEEDS ME. THE ONLY THING I WILL NOT DO FOR HER OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER IS COMPROMISE MY OWN HAPPINESS; MENTAL & EMOTIONAL WELLBEING.
I HAVE MADE ENOUGH SACRIFICES & EFFORTS TO LAST ME A LIFETIME....OR MYABE FOR THE NEXT.
I'M ABOUT TO STEP INTO MY HOT TUB THAT AWAITS ME....SO GWAN GURL.
I'LL BE BACK THOUGH.....P
Posted at 04:44 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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Thursday, September 29, 2005
.::. MY TIME WITH TY IN ATL & FL .::.
^^ TY & I @ PIEDMONT PARK, ATLANTA
Posted at 09:35 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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^^ THOUGHT THIS CHICA WAS MADD CUTE! BUT I STARTED DROOLING WHEN SHE STARTED SPITTIN' FLUENT SPANISH TO ME...LOOK AT HER MAC MAKE-UP...PRIDE IS EVERYWHERE! 8)
^^ I KNOW FAITH IS GON BE MAD, BUT I THINK SHE LOOKS CUTE ANYWAYS ;D
^^ RONELLE AND I B4 WE WENT OUT TO THE ALL-BLK PARTY. WE WERE TORE UP! CAN YA TELL..?? LOL*
^^ LICA SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR ALL THE WOMYN TO GET THEIR SHYT TOGETHER B4 ROLLIN' OUT...DON'T SHE LOOK CUTE?!
^^ RONI & I ...YO, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS STICKING HER TONGUE OUT LIKE THAT...OTHERWISE I WOULDA CAUGHT IT..HAA!! :P
^^ JANINE @ DA CLUB!
^^ LICA & I @ THE ALL-BLK PARTY...DRUNK AS HELL!
^^ FAITH & RONELLE @ DA CLUB...GETTING C.R.U.N.K!!!
^^ME & SEXXY RONELLE...@ EARTHLINK LIVE!
^^ "DROP DOWN...& GET YA EAGLE ON GURL"!
^^ MY MIND WAS BLOWN...ALL THAT PRETTY AZZ EVERYWHERE...LAWWWD!
^^ GET IT GET IT!!
^^ I JUST HAD TO...COULDN'T CONTAIN MYSELF...HAD TO HANDLE THAT!
^^ B.U.S.T.E.D!! ...lol*
Posted at 08:33 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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ATL PRIDE & FLORIDA...WHO WAS SHE?
15 September, 2005 - ATL TO LONDON
I am on my way back to the land of miserables! I am not looking forward to it at all. This trip has definiety been a learning experience of self growth. I am so glad and blessed that I was able to make it ATL this Pride. I am still blown by everything that's happened in the last 2 weeks. From Chip to Janine, to Sunshine, to ATL Pride, to Tyesin & my tremendous capacity to love....ELLA.
The day I first arrived in ATL, I was overwhelmed at how friendly people were and how welcoming. I made it to the Residence Inn without any problems. The driver of the shuttle was actually very friendly...friendly enough to be familee..lol. She shared a lil sumthin with me. Funny enough, her 2 passengers were both here for the same reason. The room was immaculate and peaceful. I had the whole joint to myself, which was bliss. I chilled, got on the phone, unpacked my ish and fell out. I was too excited to do anything else but keep myself good company.
The next day was anxious though. I waited for the VA crew to get in. It took them long enough but when they finally made it in, I was over joyed and they were over-tired..lol. First thing we all did after we hugged and all that ish, was smoke a phatt azz blunt...ahhhhh. I needed that...fa real.
What a trip yo! After leaving London the way I did, I was ready to forget everything that happened with Chibuzo. The bruises were enough of a reminder.
Faith, Janine, Lica and myself all got ready to go out and pick up Sunshine from the airport. It was already 10ish and we were all ready to wild out at the club. We went back to the room and finished getting ready, then bounced. Boiiiii...what a night! Sunshine and I grooved most of the night. She looked cute. Nene and Lica with Faith stayed in their lil' corner chillin'. I had to get my groove on. The club was aight. It would've been nice I could see Vivica Fox properly while she was up on the stage giving all them hot azz lesbians the eye...I would'nt to step. But my azz was too blown and I was str8 chillin with Sunshine.
Saturday was even hotter!!! Good gawwwd...what an experience at the club we were to. Earthlink was da ish! I looked fly as Aaliyah did dressed as a lil tomboi, except I was femmed out, rockin my khaki kangol and my Black Panther tee....yep I am a revolutionist at heart. Is it too late to grow up & be like Angela Davis??! It's never too late for anything!
TY. TY. TY.
My stomach was all in knots and the anticipation was killling me! I could not wait much longer...I was going to see Ty and I couldn't wait!
Sunshine and I made our own way to go see the Punani Poets, which was going to be at the Sherton, the host hotel. Unfortunatey, they cancelled. I was pissed, but oh well. I called Sandra & Andrea who were staying at the Sheraton, but they were staying in so I din't bother going up. I guess we'll just hook back up in London. Would've been nice to see them though. I was so upset about the Punani Poets though! Maybe next year. Anyway, we took a couple of pics with the view of the city in the background. Being in Sunshine's company was nice. We just chill & everything is so ezy. She looked so beautiful that night...all in light lilac...we took some cute pix too.
I had Ty on the brain....HEAVY. We then decided to head for the club where we were going to hook up with Nene and the rest as well as Ty. I was kinda excited about seeing Meshell N. We went into the club room where everyone was geting their freak on...like these bytches were going out on pussy famine! HA!
I couldn't help myself, had to get my tip drill on. So I found myself the a broad who could shake her azz with skill. I gripped on to that thang like it was a life jacket. I threw down $$ bills
and got carried away with the smaking. Sunshine took 2 pics of me doing it, which was comical.
Tyesin called me a couple of times on Sunshine's phone to let me know what time she was meeting me at the club. I became flustered with anxiety and was began getting really nervous. When Ty called to let me know she was at the club outside waiting for me, I collected myself and made moves to go out & meet her. On my way out though, I was starled and completly thrown off when I met Ayanna in my path. She was just as shocked as I was. It was soo weird to see her the way I did. Too bizzare! I hugged her and was actually very happy to see her. I was so thrown off boiii! I told her to hold on for me while I went out to go and find Ty. I looked and looked and walked up and down the queue so I decided I would hang out by the entrance just in case she walked by. I turned to look around and there she was. We caught each other's eye at the same time. I grabbed her hand and she held me close to her.
From there it was pure magic. I was lost in her arms & in her eyes. Memories & overwhelming emotion flooded me. All I could feel & see was Tyesin. Nothing else! Not even Meshell Ndegeocello who was at the bar trying to talk to me while I stood there waiting to be noticed by the bar chiq so I could start on my Grand Marnier. My "high on cloud 9" azz didn't even nmotice it was her. She was there with her friend who was talking to me & I don't even remember. Can I get a witness!!?? lol* Thank God Ty witnessed it....I am still kicking myself! I could've gone on a date with Mesehll while in ATL...lol* Wishful thinking huh...*heehee*
INTERLUDE
I am feeling so indifferent about alot of things lately especially people. I am sick of dealing with selfish, self-centered bullshit azz people!
Chip is gone...NeeNee has dissapointed me and that's whateva. Tyesin I adore and I am inlove with, but still a lil doubtful....due to my fears.
I want to grow old with her. She told me today in her email that she can see this happening with me and that she wants to grow and watch my hair turn grey. A possibility, no doubt. We are so different, yet we have similar goals and want much of the same thing. Our biggest desire would be to happy...together.
My fears don't haunt me as much anymore. My internal screams have stopped. I am now surrounded by her blissful silence. Silence is so comforting to some, but to others it can so frustrating! I mean,. I don't mind that half the time she is quiet & doesn't say much...she is a great listener, but when I am venting about something obviously that matters to me or that';s upset me, or Im merely Xpressing my emotions...I would like to hear what you have to say, what you think or say something to soothe or console me...don't just sit there in silence. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING....REMEMBER, I AM NOT A MIND READER!
I want nothing to do with Chip at all! I still need to go ahead and collect my shyt that I left at his place. I have no words for him though. None at all! That nicca fucked up so bad that I do not care for him like
I used to. He is squashed! He is very aware that I am no longer interested in wasting breathe with his azz. The punk is not worthy of my attention, frienship, trust or even my presense. I cant stand bytches who make out they're something they're far from, who lie and deceive, regardless if it 's something I dont want to hear, but I am me and what you see is what you get! I am a real, raw, sweet and a strong womyn with my 3 stripes on ... my new samoa adidas kicks on. I didn't get to see my Sha. I really wanted to, but I really needed to do this trip to FL to find out truths. She understands me for my reasons. I will make the next trip all about her though. My ROCK. I was mad I didn't get to see Mike too. He was trippin' about the Hurricane. I guess he'll make it here next time. And I was sad I didn't get to see my Cort in ATL! She couldn't make it for her own reasons...but I missed her there! I know she would've added to my experience....don't care, her azz is coming next year if it means I gotta go get her first!
How crazy can a person be when it comes to love?! My loca azz decided to go through all measures to rent a car & drive down to FL just for one more night...just to see & be with her one mo' time! I know I am crazy! Crazy in-love..?? Possibly, but crazy fa sho'! I am soo broke now! Money comes & money goes, but I got alot of shyt I need to focusing on when I land back on UK concrete...let the shyt hit the fan then! Fuck it!
I am sooo sleepy!!! Can't wait to get off this fucking Delta plane! I detest bytches up in firstclass!! Grrr! At least I am on an aisle seat & don't have a smelly bastard next to me...I'd be highly pissed!
I am so ready to pass out...me is a tired azz bytch!
RESPECT ME!
Posted at 04:57 am by AlwayzDoubleR
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 AlwayzDoubleRAugust 28th Female Australia Add 2 my lyfe if you care...don't just come to stare, but walk bare & feel my glare...my spot to delve deep into my soul...touch me in places I only know....stay free of negative nrg & flow towards positivity...if you feel'n the beat of my rhythmic ancestors that drum congos against my tripple5soul heart...while the hoodie stays over the hed, until you discover & explore me...:peace:...
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Every day counts...
My mood 2day is POSITVE & HOPEFUL
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LUV*
